School of parents. Forum adoptive parents `The family!`
School of Parents ⇒ Materials from different PDS
Message Lunalika »Dec 8 2012, 09:08
Materials for self-study on the topic: “Adaptation of the child in a foster family” Plan: 1. Changes in a foster family 2. Raising a child in a foster family 3. Possibilities of a foster family 4. Peculiarities of a child’s behavior 5. Features of adaptation 6. Appendix: 1) recommendations for foster parents on the topic “Adaptation of a child in a foster family”; 2) a test task on the theme “Adaptation of a child in a foster family”; 3) a list of references for students.
Changes in the foster family
The process of placing a foster child in a family is presented as the complex dynamics of the formation of a new family system, in which its stages and crises also stand out. In this case, it is necessary to remember the danger of transition periods for the family. One of these periods is the appearance in the family of a new personality. In this case, the family, changing, can return to the early model of family functioning (the “regression” mechanism), or stay in its development, fixing itself for a long time at a certain stage (the “fixing” mechanism), which causes seed problems. The adoptive family “gives birth” to the child artificially. In addition to the usual problems that arise in the family with the appearance of the child, there are also specific ones: low preparedness of the family for the appearance of the child, fear, a negative assessment of others. The process of raising a “not your own” child is a new thing, not entirely clear. Efforts are required to restructure relationships, to understand that it is necessary to explain the simplest things, learn to love a child and teach a child to love a mother, father and other relatives. The school years of the adopted child are the work of the child and the parents. Sometimes you have to put up with the weak intelligence of the child, mental infantilism, make great efforts to reduce and eliminate pedagogical neglect, the child’s unwillingness to learn, work. Adolescence brings many problems to the family, which, unfortunately, cannot be solved by the family on their own. Often spouses turn to a psychologist when relationships become so annoyingly aggressive that the only way out can be separation of the family and the child. The placement of the child in the family violates the existing structure, the family is experiencing great stress, a crisis. It takes time for the formation of new types of relationships, the development of a positive communication experience of family members. There are changes in its basic parameters: • cohesion is broken. Emotional communication between family members may weaken for some time, as adults switch to a new family member, and native children fade into the background. • internal family and external borders are violated. In the family, a certain chaotic state occurs, which is normal for a certain period, but if family members do not transfer to new relationships, duties, rules, then a problem arises – disagreement, unwillingness to obey, to adapt to new rules. It is very important at the moment to organize negotiations for all the family members, to propose changing the rules and roles. The appearance of a foster child is a kind of “birth”. If the family chose the right motive, it shows a psychological readiness to be a father and mother and will not experience big problems in the process of adaptation.
Raising a child in a foster family
Replacing the family helps the child to return to childhood, to fully develop. Depending on the health, individual characteristics of the child and the adoptive parents, he quickly or not very quickly adjoins, that is, accepts the system of a new life and continues to develop in accordance with the new requirements, the adoptive family has certain psychological conditions that should contribute to adaptation. Particularly difficult for a boy or girl is to master the role of a family man. The family is a kind of mirror in which a person sees his reflection. Lack of family leads to a distorted view of the child about its role in it. Therefore, the adoptive family is considered as a source of emotional warmth and comfort, a source of various kinds of information, and social interaction skills are developed here. The fact of the device is an important condition, which largely determines the child’s well-being in the present and future. Based on his past childhood experience of living, understanding family and family relationships, each child has a somewhat distorted view of it. They can create her ideal image (in the child’s understanding), but it will be a flawed picture, with a little concrete definition of the facts, vagueness of everyday details. However, in children, as a rule, images of two family models are formed: positive and negative. They associate their ideas with a positive model. For example, in their positive model, parents only stroke their heads, do not force them to do anything, they feed deliciously. If a child has a family, he has a home. What does feeling home for a child mean? Why does a child need a home? a) A house as a territory in which there is a place for it. b) House as a refuge. The protective role of the house is the first thing that is realized by the children. There are many games, the main concept in which is exactly the house – it is “classics”, “salki” and others. In the “salka”, for example, the driver cannot pursue the players, if they, with arms folded, declare that they are “in the house”. The house is a refuge, a stronghold of stability, a place where he should return and where he is always welcome. c) House as property. The house separates its own and not its own, it denotes the boundaries of property. Psychologists say that such a common phenomenon as vandalism (the desire to spoil someone else’s and public property is to cut the casing of chairs in the cinema hall, to spoil the walls of the elevator and train and
Foster family opportunities
Under family conditions, compensation for developmental disorders is possible. Rehabilitation consists of several levels: creating a rich and diverse environment, retraining based on reinforcing positive behaviors and reducing unwanted ones, correcting disorders with the help of psychotherapy, helping to restore the child’s relationship with the outside world, and incorporating the child into society. The importance of the family for the development of the adopted child is also upheld by domestic science.
TABLE PREPARE IN THE NEXT MESSAGE. Modern genetic scientists say that a child gets 90% of its qualities with genes and only 10% is produced in it by the social environment. This does not mean at all that the alcoholic mother will have an alcoholic child. If the child is surrounded by a favorable social environment, he fulfills all the necessary spiritual and physical needs, then the negative qualities remain unfulfilled, positive qualities will be demanded and developed.
The behavior of the child
So, a child, until yesterday “no one’s,” acquires loving parents, grandmothers, grandfathers, other relatives, who often have no idea what difficulties they will have to face. Our task is not to frighten parents, but to teach how to react to the situation, to be ready for it, to calmly comprehend the science of parenthood. Our situations are taken from the practical experience of foster families, respectively, tips and recommendations for them have already been tested in practice. Meet the child in the orphanage. Future parents should know that children behave differently. It depends on the age and characteristics of the nervous system. In our practice, children, for example, of preschool age, are good to contact, they are very much looking forward to meeting. Older children may have less confidence in you, but they also respond quickly to attention, kindness, and agree to go on a visit. We recommend you to talk with the specialists of the children’s institution, to learn as much as possible about the child, to write down all the necessary information so that at first it will be easier to communicate with your son or daughter. Also help toys, books, joint walk, sweets. It is possible to organize dating in a natural setting, in a group with other children. Many adoptive mothers and fathers, speaking of their feelings, noted that the heart prompted “their” child. First days. In the first days of the child’s stay in the family, much is laid and determined. It is very important to simply observe, “walk side by side”, gradually rearranging the child to that rhythm or lifestyle that is established in the family, and in some cases even change something in your life for the convenience of the baby. Do not allow feelings of loss and loneliness. A child of any age can show negativity, stubbornness, whims, aggressiveness, increased excitability, lack of brakes. This is understandable, since for a weakened nervous system of a child, placement in a family was a strong irritant, and the body reacts in a peculiar way to it. How often parents make a mistake, going on about the child, saying: “He didn’t have it, let him ask (do) what he wants.” The child immediately feels weak and begins to abuse it. In response to timid attempts to refuse, he will act up, stomp his feet, roll on the floor. If this happens, you need to find the strength to not rush to fulfill the requirements, and continue to quietly go about your business. It works great. A child of any age a little earlier or a little later understands and accepts the system of reasonable requirements (what is possible and what is dangerous for life and health). When you “feel” your child a little, start looking for “raisins” in it, something that makes him stand out among others, what needs to be developed. Nervousness, high anxiety and other symptoms of children the first days of the child’s stay in the family are explainable. But in practice, we are also confronted with adult anxiety. Many parents experience a greater degree of anxiety and do not hide it. “It’s scary to do something wrong.” In adults, the usual mode of life changes when a new family member appears. Add to this the fatigue, the load of the first days is too great, the responsibility is great. It is important to support each other – with a kind word, and in household chores. Hyper attachment. As a peculiarity of the child’s behavior in the first months of living in a family, it is possible to note hyper-attachment, rather the “stickiness” of the child to the closest family members. We have already said that, being in the family, the child is experiencing stress – a new environment, new faces and, naturally, begins to restructure and adapt to new people. He chooses the person closest to him and relentlessly follows him – into the room, into the kitchen, into the bathroom, without letting go a single step. Thereby, he kind of compensates for the lack of communication, of what he has not received since birth – to be touched, to say gentle words, to kiss, to hold, to smile, to love him. The child is afraid of being alone in an unfamiliar world, nobody has taught him how to behave. Therefore, when preparing candidates, speaking about the peculiarities of a child’s behavior, attention is focused on the fact that our children are special. And this is a normal situation when a child follows mom as "tail", stands at the front door, waiting for her. In the eyes of a child there is always a question: "And where are you going?" “Will you come soon?” It is passing, the child will be calmer with your cares and congregations, when he realizes that he is here forever and he is loved. Patience and patience again. Memories. A specific indicator of family habituation is the child’s memory. It happens differently. In some cases, the child immediately articulates what happened to him, what he remembers "to the orphanage" at "children’s home", leading mother into shock from those revelations that she heard. A child cleans the soul, removes an exorbitant burden, draws a line from the past life. In other cases, for a long time, little by little, he shares his past (perhaps embellishing, inventing some events). Ban or encourage such statements? Let the child speak. Tactfully listen, without giving an assessment of biological parents (in the eyes of the child, they will still be good, he will invent them good). The first time, the memories of the past are bright, then, as something far away, then episodes from past and present life begin to be confused. It may happen that the child will not once remember all that was in the biological family, gradually narrowing the circle of memories and, finally, the memories will relate only to the most memorable episodes. Speaking again and again, the child is relieved of pain, relieves himself. If there is no candor between you for a while, do not rush, do not quiz the child. Sometimes you need some kind of push, an event for such a conversation to take place. When a child masters, finds his "niche"He begins to pester parents with questions, why they took him, why they took him recently, where they were before, why they did not go for so long. It is necessary to convince the child that he had been looking for a long time, and found or saw the photo and immediately arrived. It is necessary to say that he had other mom and dad, but they could not live with him, but here they love him very much. Usually this is enough, there are no more questions on this topic. If a child is small and does not remember how he appeared in the family, many parents prefer to remain silent, do not want to tell the truth, at the same time, realizing that if they do not, then after some time someone will "Good deed", will inform the child that he is not native. Older children, to justify their behavior in the family, invent legends for themselves and themselves. Here is what the conversation of a six-year-old daughter with her grandmother took place once: "Grandma, I’m not going to kindergarten with you. You are old, went and went and lost me, and mom and dad found me. I will not go to kindergarten with you". Grandma listened very seriously, promising not to lose her granddaughter again. To avoid unnecessary problems, it is necessary to explain to the child his appearance in the family. Regime moments. As a feature, you can note the ability or inability of the child to do something, respectively, the desire to help or unwillingness to do something. The very first thing that a family pays attention to is the ability to care for oneself, adherence to cultural and hygienic skills. In an orphanage, babies are taught early to use a spoon, drink from a cup, ask for a pot, a little older – gently fold their clothes. Older children, parents note at the consultation, on the contrary, do not observe basic personal hygiene skills, do not know how to properly use toilet paper, toothbrush, wash feet for the night. All these, at first glance, trifles result in a problem, so you need a long time to convince, learn, show this or that procedure. It would seem that ordinary household, regime moments – and children experience difficulties. Do not be surprised if the child asks about that, and so it is understandable. This is understandable for adults, but it is a clean sheet and it is necessary to fill it out. Teach simple words and things – what to say in the morning, in the evening, how to hug tightly, from which side it is better to come up, put a fork and a spoon on the table. A child, like a sponge, absorbs everything that it sees, hears, willingly develops space. And parents need to help him with this and, very importantly, give a positive assessment of the child’s actions. Believe me, time after time he will get better and better. It lays the foundations of hard work, the desire to help others. About jealousy. Of particular note are the problems that arise in the family, if there are children of their own. In most cases, parents notice the appearance of jealousy between children. On the one hand, the adopted child, who was so lacking in affection, attention, warmth, and who seeks to get it in seven, and on the other hand, his own child, who sees that his place is taken, take his toys, some of the attention that was given to him, given to another. It seems to him that he was pushed into the background, forgotten. Situations causing jealousy: – to whom they wish first "good night"; – to whom the first mother sits down on the bed, kiss; – why one is given a small spoon, and another is given a big one; – why he (her) is praised and praised, but they do not love me, do not praise me. In babies with the wrong behavior of parents, jealousy results in aggression towards another child. If the adopted child in the family is alone, without brothers and sisters, aggression is manifested in the case when in his presence, for example, the guests, mother pats the other child’s head or gives him signs of attention. As a result, before the eyes of adults who do not understand anything, the child either bites or hits the “rival” with something. By the way, about jealousy, we observed in practice and such as jealousy of mother (!) To a child of six years. The father really wanted a child, and when this event happened, he was so happy in his fatherly feelings that he caused a negative feeling in his wife. Fortunately, this did not last long. Now the family is happy, how can any family be happy. Thus, it is very important not only to prepare for adults, but also to prepare children. Tell about how children live without mom, go together to get acquainted, prepare gifts, decide in advance where they will live, sleep. About rewards. Peculiarities of behavior also imply peculiarities of upbringing, that is, the ability of parents to act correctly in a given situation. For many families, it was very difficult to learn how to encourage a child. Do I need to encourage? What to encourage? Should these be just sweet words, sweets, toys and other things? Suddenly perepalim? And the other side of the problem very much worries parents – is it necessary to punish and how? Every day there are many critical situations that need to be resolved very quickly. With a certain degree of confidence we can say that if the parents spend as much time as possible with the child, then close contact will be established between them, which will prevent the occurrence of many problems and troubles, including the need to punish. That is why we recommend parents to arrange a vacation (if possible for a longer period), try to help the child to get used to the family, not to leave to grandparents. Receiving maximum attention, feeling a constant interest in himself, the child will not attract attention with bad behavior, disobedience. The words of Oscar Wilde that “the best way to make children good is to make them happy” is undeniable. And you can and will only be encouraged. The smaller the child, the more he needs open approval – the only way he will know how to behave and what you appreciate in him. It is necessary to praise 5-10 times more than scolding. But you should not praise only for the fact that he does not do anything wrong: “Well done, do not touch the cat.” The trouble of moms and dads is often that they notice bad behavior more easily, but they don’t see, for which they can be praised. Of course, I really want the child to play calmly, and there was order in the apartment. But you should definitely give the opportunity to play the way he wants, throw the toys to a terrifying mess, but then collect everything. If the child does not listen, there is a threat of punishment. Here you can use these techniques: to enclose him in his arms, ruffle his hair. If you do not listen, come closer to him – it will make you hear, clearly say in his ear, it will be better and softer. In this case, no one but the child will hear and may not need to be punished. Sometimes we hear parents complaining that “all day long we can talk about the same thing, dozens of times to repeat: do not run, do not shout, put yourself in order, you are a girl (or you are a boy), but there’s no use”. Remember – the less children hear “no”, “no”, “stop”, “don’t you dare”, the more they perceive these remarks and listen to them. The child, in the end, must run, jump, scream. You need to be able to hold back your remarks in order to get a calmer child. If the problem is that they often dirty clothes, change them to more comfortable for walking and, if necessary, wash them with the child, which is very effective. Moms ask if it is worth discussing behavior problems with a child. Yes, of course, you need to discuss behavioral moments and the possibility of punishment. About punishments. The other side of the problem – is it necessary to punish and how? What disciplinary measures do parents apply? Undoubtedly, physical punishment is not the most effective measure, we offer many other, less aggressive approaches. Mom had to punish the baby, put him on the chair (from a conversation with the mother of a child of 3 years). A negative reaction followed – crying, crying “I do not love my mother, I will leave for the shelter”. So do not punish? Of course, one cannot count on the fact that the child will be delighted with the punishments, but in the end he will understand that he is punished for the case, if that is indeed the case. Do not feel mom guilty, you can not go on about the child – disciplinary action is necessary. On the contrary, the child will see that the mother firmly adheres to the rules and strictly monitors their implementation. Another thing is whether the mother did the right thing by setting the child on a chair for a certain time. Is such a measure effective? Yes, the method of temporary isolation is quite effective, especially if you turn the child facing the wall, standing or sitting. This technique can be used with children of any age, from toddlers to twelve years of age. If the child did not listen, it was possible, perhaps, the use of force – to take the child and reinstall it. How much time should a child be punished? As many minutes as he is. In conversations with parents, we often see that they find it difficult to choose the type of punishment or how to solve the situation correctly. Briefly about different things. For example, if – caused a mess and refuses to admit it, make him clean up after themselves; – if offended by another – to apologize and make him pleasant; – lazy at school – extra classes; – broke someone else’s thing – to return the same; In the form of punishment, you can forbid to go on a visit, invite friends, do not allow riding a bicycle, listen to an evening fairy tale. A child in a kindergarten and school. Every mom and dad would like a child to grow up healthy, sociable, study well at school. Foster parents want the same. But do not rush things, give the child to the class with intensive study of subjects, gymnasium classes, classes with in-depth study of 2-3 languages. First of all, it should be remembered that with the child the same problems that he had in the orphanage come to the family. Social deprivation makes it difficult for a child to communicate outside. As a rule, after a short habituation at home, in the family, the child goes to school, to the one in this village, to the usual kindergarten, which is closer to home. If in an orphanage, an orphanage, he was “nobody’s” like everyone else, then in school they are “parents”, and he is “from an orphanage”. It is very important, therefore, to find in the school, kindergarten the help and support of the administration, teachers, by common efforts to try to create a child’s situation of success. Adults should constantly express their positive attitude to the child, smooth out negative moments. We should not forget about medical problems, we have already talked about them. Outwardly, it manifests itself in different ways – impudence, disinhibition, excitability, aggressiveness, absent-mindedness, fast fatigue and exhaustion. Difficulties arise if parents do not take into account the weakness of the child’s nervous system. Sometimes the child’s desire is put forward as the motive – he wants to be engaged in dancing, he asks to write down on the piano, learn to read, write, and learn English. And the child, suppose, is only five years old and has the above problems. As a result, hyperkinesis (shaking hands and feet, fatigue, nervousness) is possible. Taking into account the level of development of the child, you can gradually increase the load, after consulting with experts. Often the child has a pedagogical neglect, then a gradual entry into learning activities is also necessary so that the child does not have a negative attitude towards school. The correct approach is to monitor the child, the gradual load, the desire of the child, constant monitoring and consultation with specialists.
Lies and theft. These problems most often occur at any stage of adaptation. Adults, without even realizing it, often encourage children to lie. So, if an adult person allows to tell himself a lie, he thereby sets the child an example and a reason to think that a lie can be acceptable and even useful. The child is afraid of punishment, adapts to the circumstances. An exorbitant burden, unwillingness to go to school, to meet with someone can be a reason for deception. Sometimes a child does not want to talk about his biological parents or does not want to talk about them badly and, rather, does not deceive, but invents facts from a past life, misleads listeners. Often describes relatives who are “very good”, “loved him very much”, but left. In other cases, deception is the child’s desire to be good, that which is admired, praised. Deception is a signal that the adults did not understand something, did not see it in the child, and he seemed to be trying to tell them that. Theft in families where the adopted child is being brought up is not only a disease, the failure to meet material needs, and, often, protest is a kind of signal that we have not considered something in a relationship with a child. Theft can be assessed as a cry for help, a desire to change the situation, as a disagreement with the situation in which the child is. What to do, how to behave if the child took someone else’s? As for the small, they often take someone else’s without demand, since they still do not realize what the property right is and because he does not have a similar one. Here you can advise to teach the right attitude to someone else. At an older age, if this happened, parents try to figure out why this happened, calmly decide the situation,
The most difficult. Based on the many years of experience of communication between specialists and adoptive families, one can see that in the process of adaptation problems of psychological orientation arise, interpersonal conflict is born, distortion of still very unstable child-parent relationships occurs, misunderstandings and negative attitudes towards children arise. Problems of such a plan are exacerbated when the age of the adopted child approaches adolescence. The locus of complaints of adoptive parents also touches upon such topics as: • developmental disharmony; • violations of the cognitive, emotional sphere; • children’s anxiety; • issues of correction of individual characteristics; • temperamental features; • choice of life, professional path; • neurosis; • failure, difficulties in mastering the program; • behavioral disorders; • difficulties in communication with peers; • conflict, aggressiveness; • early sexual problems; • impaired mental function; • the relationship between adoptive and native children; • the relationship between adoptive parents and adoptive children, due to the strengthening of primary control and excessive demands on the adopted child; • the problem of the development of cognitive interest in children; • formation of labor skills; • jealousy between children; • adaptation of the first year; • negative habits of children (smoking, stealing, lying, vagrancy); • opportunity or right, sometimes the need to part with a foster child; • the emergence of the guilt complex of adoptive parents due to its some lack of success in the process of raising an adopted child.
Added after 11 minutes 39 seconds: INSTEAD OF TABLE Competent children – Have a persistently good mood, confident. They are characterized by a developed self-control, the ability to establish friendly relations. Prone to exploring themselves and the world.
Parent position – High and consistent control combined with an interest in personality, respect and constant emotional support ——————————- ————————————————– ————————————————– – Avoiding children – Prevailing a detached or sadly sad mood, have difficulty in establishing contacts not only friendly, but also superficial. They tend to avoid new or frustrating situations.
Parent position – Controlling, demanding behavior, combined with low warmth, low respect for the capabilities of the child ——————————– ————————————————– ———————————— Immature children – Not self-confident, the mood is unstable. Self-control, practically not formed. Prone to the reaction of failure in frustrating situations, they are infantilism, first of all they are obliged to the personal immaturity of the parents themselves.
Parent position – Lack of ability to consistently control, with emotional support may be present.